The last semester before I graduated from my local community college, I would find myself uncontrollably sobbing when I had nothing in front of me. No homework to do, no child to take care of, no dishes or housework that needed to be done. I would sit down finally able to relax at the end of the night when boom an uncontrollable sobfest would take over my body. It felt like something out of a horror movie where the main character would transform into a hideous creature at sundown and tear through the town eating innocent women and children. Except I had no desire to eat people. I tried so many different things to stop this madness that seemed to happen like clockwork every night. I assigned myself extra chores, extra homework, extra anything to keep me from having a full-on breakdown every night. But it didn’t work. I finally went to the dr and this kid who was only about 25 told me I was depressed. Lol I laughed cause, what? I just have this uncontrollable crying thing happening I feel fine the rest of the time.
Looking back on it now, 10 years later, I have a better idea of what was happening even though I couldn’t see it then. It was pretty simple really… I didn’t know what was going to happen next.
I didn’t know what to do after graduation. I had ideas, sure, but no one in my life to really help me figure out the next steps. It took me a good while to decide what to do next. I talked with friends, teachers, and google trying to think of what I wanted to be when I grew up because obviously it was time for a decision since I was over 30. I decided to apply to UT in Austin as sort of a last-ditch effort. And to be honest, I really didn’t expect to get in. I didn’t apply anywhere else or let myself really dream that I could go anywhere outside of Texas. I just figured if I didn’t get in there, I wouldn’t go anywhere.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was secretly hoping I wouldn’t get in. Then I could say I tried all while staying in my comfort zone. But then they said yes and I had to really decide… is this what I’m doing? It wasn’t until the summer after graduation when I was accepted and I had about a month to move and get settled before classes started in August. For context, my hometown is located about three hours north of Austin.
Everyone I knew was acting like I was insane, and I probably was. Afterall, who moves 3 hours away in their 30’s by themselves with a toddler to get their undergrad instead of doing school online?
One thing I did know about myself was I wouldn’t follow through with school online. I didn’t learn in that type of environment. I had to go in person to have any real chance at success. So, I went.
That year was one of the hardest years of my adult life moving from the only town I’d ever lived in to a city where I knew no one and nothing about college.
No one talks about the hard parts of growing up. Focus on the good things, is the typical advice and while yes focusing on good things isn’t necessarily bad advice that doesn’t mean you can ignore the difficult things. They have a funny way of sneaking up on you if you do try to ignore them. But I hope you know, that while these decisions aren’t easy for anyone, you’re not alone. Treat yourself kindly and take care of your mental health first. Only you know what’s best for you.
